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Happy birth-date, my sweet girls

Today, you two would have been two year olds. Two two year olds on a Tuesday!! Would we have had a birthday party that was tutu themed?? Would you guys have preferred dinosaurs over tutus? Would you have had a favorite show that we'd use as the theme? Would you guys love cake like mommy? Or would you want a pie, like daddy? Probably apple pie, huh? What would daddy and I get you for your birthday presents?  What kind of pictures of your party would I be taking? Would I be taking any at all?? What would your adorable little reactions have been while opening presents? What would you two have looked like? I dont doubt you would have looked an awful lot like me, but would you have daddy's eyes? I hoped you would. Would you have his nose? Would one of you be a mommy's girl, and the other a daddy's girl?? You both would have been daddy's girls, huh? I would have loved that. What would we have done after your party? After everything was picked up, everyone had left, and it...
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Generational toxicity. Part 1

You told me I was dishonoring my children and blamed my grief instead of listening to what was happening and why I was angry about my childhood, while allowing my first sexual assailant to get off with just saying he "had no idea" what I was talking about. You said my brain made it up instead of, for one second, thinking maybe his brain had also repressed these memories, just like mine did. I repressed memories and caused damage to my own brain to protect him and he said he had no idea, and just like that I was crazy... You told me I was dishonoring my children by being angry toward the family, after you walked into your daughters house the day after she attempted suicide IN FRONT OF HER CHILDREN, and did absolutely nothing because she told you she "didn't want to talk about it." You just continuously ALLOW her to abuse the people around her. After she got sick, you even told me she was "too weak" to abuse them anymore, as if the mental and emotional...
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(Bereaved) Father's Day

   To my wonderful husband,    Even though the girls meant you had to do even more work than just going to work, you never thought twice about doing it. You had to stand with me in the bathroom while I showered, to make sure I didn't pass out. You cooked every meal, and even meal prepped for me, since I couldn't stand long enough to cook without getting sick. (By the way, this is a part of morning sickness people often don't tell you about. You have been warned.) You stopped at the store on the way home to get me a new gallon of chocolate ice cream. There wasn't a thing you weren't willing to do for us. And when the time came for someone to step up, you stepped up and gave our 9.2oz, 8.5" daughter cpr without a second thought. You were willing to do anything that your daughters needed you to do for them. Always.    A father is not measured by the amount of DNA he provided to make the child, but how much love and devotion he puts into his relationsh...
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Empathy

The news exhausts me. I see parents crying over their babies, screaming "Why?!" Endlessly. I see kids being ripped from their family All because you don't like the way they were created.  Perfectly. I see people getting away with sexual assault, while the victim is blamed.  "How could you ruin their life?!"  Not realizing all that she feels. Shame. I see threats being made.  All we're trying to do is clean up the air, But it could all be for nothing. Chemical warfare. I see invisible borders  Countries separated by naturally occurring events. Now, each countries government is  "just following orders." So tense. Why? The answer is simple, you see. Half of the world is so wrapped up in what they own, that they forget to love.  And if we spent more time loving, there'd be less time to loathe.  Imagine seeing Earth as one big place, Instead of putting up walls because you don't like...
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(Bereaved) Mother's Day

   Last year for mother's day I was pregnant, secretly celebrating my first mothers day, and rolling in pure bliss. This year, even though I thought I'd be okay, I woke up with an immense sadness in my heart.    Every year I see people posting pictures of their kiddos for mothers day, and every year my reaction changes. 5 years ago, all I would feel is happiness for them. 4 years ago, I felt my ovaries leap with every picture of a baby, and it was exciting! 3 years ago I decided I wanted to have one of those little things, and you bet I was loving all of the pics. 2 years ago, I was frustrated, I was defeated, I was angry, and I didn't want to see everyone's successes, because they were just a reminder of my failures. 1 year ago, everything was perfect. Everything. Was. Perfect. This year? This year was the most confusing and heart breaking of them all.    It's insane to think about the fact that you can feel both sadness and happiness at the same time. W...
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Hug your babies

      After a mother works so hard to start a family, and then loses that, she sees things differently.       I see you cuddling or playing with your kids, and I think..."man, that's so sweet." Then I go through the grief. I think about how I should be cuddling two beautiful little girls, and listening to them twin babble, and suffering from sleep deprivation for them, not just my insomnia. THEN, I go through an immense feeling of love. That's all I want, and I can't wait to have that.       Now, I understand that most of the time, people don't know what to say to a bereaved mother when she comments on how sweet it is. Naturally your reactions are usually, "yea but they're a brat, sooo" (not an actual quote, just a general example). I understand that you say these things to make me feel better. I know you say it with the best intentions. And I understand how difficult it is to talk to me about kids, because it's difficult for me as well. ...
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To EMT's and Firemen everywhere.

      People often talk about their doctors and nurses when it comes to any kind of medical event, for a good reason. They are awesome! But, let's take a moment to appreciate the men and women who show up at your house, the EMT's and firemen, who keep you calm and safe until you get to those doctors and nurses. Who have to deal with angry, violent, and heartbroken patients. As I sit here writing letters to the wonderful men and women who helped us that night, I can't help but wonder how often they receive letters thanking them for all that they do.       A lot of that 20ish hours (plus the next few weeks) were a blur, but there are a few things that I remember really well. One of the biggest things I remember is the nice fireman, Mark, who made sure he kept eye contact and talked me through everything. He is the man that cut my daughters umbilical cords. He is more important to me than he will ever know. Not even my letter to him can truly express how I fe...
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