(Bereaved) Mother's Day

   Last year for mother's day I was pregnant, secretly celebrating my first mothers day, and rolling in pure bliss. This year, even though I thought I'd be okay, I woke up with an immense sadness in my heart.
   Every year I see people posting pictures of their kiddos for mothers day, and every year my reaction changes. 5 years ago, all I would feel is happiness for them. 4 years ago, I felt my ovaries leap with every picture of a baby, and it was exciting! 3 years ago I decided I wanted to have one of those little things, and you bet I was loving all of the pics. 2 years ago, I was frustrated, I was defeated, I was angry, and I didn't want to see everyone's successes, because they were just a reminder of my failures. 1 year ago, everything was perfect. Everything. Was. Perfect. This year? This year was the most confusing and heart breaking of them all.
   It's insane to think about the fact that you can feel both sadness and happiness at the same time. When I woke up, without even having the actual thought that it was mothers day cross through my mind, my heart felt heavy. It felt broken again. How can I be a mom, feel like a mom, without having two babies to cuddle with first thing in the morning? Without Fiona and Eliza in bed between my husband and I, in all of my Snapchats and Instagram posts. Instead, I made a long post, with their ultrasound pictures and a few belly pics I got, about how much I miss them. This feels wrong.
   I'm in a weird limbo state, and I feel stuck. Like my life was put on pause until I can pick up where I left off, until we have a little family but who knows how long that will take this time, and while I'm stuck in limbo, the world moves on. Time doesn't stop for everyone else like it has for me, which means Mother's Day also won't wait until I have a baby to cuddle on Mother's Day to come around again. I always lose track of time. I'm stuck in August, still trying to process my life, and all of the sudden it's May?! When I finally realize it's already May, then I realize that that means that all of my memories of my pregnancy will come flooding back to me now, and then it will be August 12th, and I will be in bed, crying and eating apple pie. How can time stop and fly? Nothing makes sense anymore.
   I am so grateful for the wonderful people I have in my life now, who love me unconditionally and are patient with me through this time, otherwise I don't know what my life would be like right now. To those of you who celebrated Mother's day with a smile, but an ache in your heart, I feel you. You are not alone. I am so sorry. You are so loved. It's not your fault. ♥♥

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