Hug your babies

      After a mother works so hard to start a family, and then loses that, she sees things differently.

      I see you cuddling or playing with your kids, and I think..."man, that's so sweet." Then I go through the grief. I think about how I should be cuddling two beautiful little girls, and listening to them twin babble, and suffering from sleep deprivation for them, not just my insomnia. THEN, I go through an immense feeling of love. That's all I want, and I can't wait to have that.

      Now, I understand that most of the time, people don't know what to say to a bereaved mother when she comments on how sweet it is. Naturally your reactions are usually, "yea but they're a brat, sooo" (not an actual quote, just a general example). I understand that you say these things to make me feel better. I know you say it with the best intentions. And I understand how difficult it is to talk to me about kids, because it's difficult for me as well.

      Please don't do this. Please don't make me feel better by putting down your own child. Don't try to make me feel better by making it seem like motherhood sucks. Please don't be so shy around me (or any grieving mother), that you try to soothe me by making it sound like you're taking for granted everything I don't have. That doesn't make me feel better. It angers me to no end.

      I spent 2 years of my life trying to get pregnant. Waking up early to an alarm every day to take my temperature. Losing weight. Sex became a science. I was buying and taking several ovulation tests. Buying and taking several pregnancy tests. Every single cycle. And when I first got a faint positive, I started picturing this whole life. My husband, a perfect baby, and myself. Everything felt perfect. Sure, it got stirred a bit when there were two, but it was still perfect.

      When I had to grip my counter while I was peeing because I was in so much pain, that perfect life was in limbo. Will I lose these babies? Will they survive and be in the nicu for months? I can handle that. I'll sleep in the nicu, I don't care. Am I going to lose these babies? Will they need extra help growing up? Am I in labor? Should I just go to the hospital? And sometime, in the short period of time that all those questions swarmed through my head, I knew. I knew I was in labor. I knew there wasn't anything that could be done this early. I knew my whole future plan was about to disappear.

      So, to hear a mom, who had everything I lost (and then some), taking that for granted, it kills me inside. You are a mom. You made human beings. You grew human beings. You have tiny humans who love you unconditionally. Please don't take that for granted.

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