Generational toxicity. Part 1
You told me I was dishonoring my children and blamed my grief instead of listening to what was happening and why I was angry about my childhood, while allowing my first sexual assailant to get off with just saying he "had no idea" what I was talking about. You said my brain made it up instead of, for one second, thinking maybe his brain had also repressed these memories, just like mine did. I repressed memories and caused damage to my own brain to protect him and he said he had no idea, and just like that I was crazy...
You told me I was dishonoring my children by being angry toward the family, after you walked into your daughters house the day after she attempted suicide IN FRONT OF HER CHILDREN, and did absolutely nothing because she told you she "didn't want to talk about it." You just continuously ALLOW her to abuse the people around her. After she got sick, you even told me she was "too weak" to abuse them anymore, as if the mental and emotional abuse in that house wasn't just as bad as the physical.
You told me I was dishonoring my children when you responded to the news of your son molesting his little sister by saying "Well, I'm not surprised." only to change your answer later to "It never happened." sending me into a mental break that had, and still has, me hallucinating, but to you my anger still made no sense. You still told me I was irrational and just acting out of anger. Something tells me you're never going to get it. You've pushed down all of the feelings you had after your loss and never dealt with it. You turned to a God, saying that was helping heal you, instead of actually working on healing yourself, and look at what it has done to you.
You started acting like I was out of my mind, acting like I was just a narcissist throwing a tantrum because I was losing control of you, without realizing that I was only angry at your negligence and I was screaming, begging, pleading....for you to help. You watched me drown and said, "There's nothing more I could have done." while holding the power to change it all. You told me I was dishonoring my dead children, while you were ignoring the fact that you were dishonoring your living children.
Thank you. That was the moment I realized I was screaming into the void that is the generational toxicity that has swallowed the family whole. The generational toxicity that our family has continued to allow. That was when I realized that the only way to survive was to change...to get out, and I knew I couldn't change the generational toxicity while holding on to the people that wouldn't let go. So I made the hardest decision of my entire life, and I chose me. I chose my sanity. I chose not being suicidal because of all of you, because that just happens in our family. I wonder why?
You told me I was dishonoring my children by being angry toward the family, after you walked into your daughters house the day after she attempted suicide IN FRONT OF HER CHILDREN, and did absolutely nothing because she told you she "didn't want to talk about it." You just continuously ALLOW her to abuse the people around her. After she got sick, you even told me she was "too weak" to abuse them anymore, as if the mental and emotional abuse in that house wasn't just as bad as the physical.
You told me I was dishonoring my children when you responded to the news of your son molesting his little sister by saying "Well, I'm not surprised." only to change your answer later to "It never happened." sending me into a mental break that had, and still has, me hallucinating, but to you my anger still made no sense. You still told me I was irrational and just acting out of anger. Something tells me you're never going to get it. You've pushed down all of the feelings you had after your loss and never dealt with it. You turned to a God, saying that was helping heal you, instead of actually working on healing yourself, and look at what it has done to you.
You started acting like I was out of my mind, acting like I was just a narcissist throwing a tantrum because I was losing control of you, without realizing that I was only angry at your negligence and I was screaming, begging, pleading....for you to help. You watched me drown and said, "There's nothing more I could have done." while holding the power to change it all. You told me I was dishonoring my dead children, while you were ignoring the fact that you were dishonoring your living children.
Thank you. That was the moment I realized I was screaming into the void that is the generational toxicity that has swallowed the family whole. The generational toxicity that our family has continued to allow. That was when I realized that the only way to survive was to change...to get out, and I knew I couldn't change the generational toxicity while holding on to the people that wouldn't let go. So I made the hardest decision of my entire life, and I chose me. I chose my sanity. I chose not being suicidal because of all of you, because that just happens in our family. I wonder why?
If anyone would like evidence that I talked to someone about my brother touching me as a child, YEARS BEFORE the metoo movement was a thing, email me!😁😁
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